Today I was contacted by an old high school friend. Her name is Kiera and I hadn't seen her in a while. She has a new baby girl, and a boyfriend, and a new apartment and it was great hanging out with her and catching up on stuff. However none of this has anything to do with what eventually happens. The only thing about Kiera that is important to the story is that she is extremely attractive and her life is insane, and insane things happen when I am with her apparently.
We decide to go get some ice cream at a local ice cream store in the late evening. We get our ice cream and sit down and just start talking normally. While she is talking I notice that in the seat behind her there is an autistic man just staring at us and more specifically staring at her. It doesn't bother me so I just keep ignoring him and pay attention to the story she is telling me. It wasn't until the door opened and a black, homeless, and obviously drunk man walks in loudly that I get completely distracted from her story.
At this point it should be noted that in the store it was only myself, Kiera, the autistic man, a woman behind the counter, and now the drunk homeless man. The homeless man enters and immediately goes from person to person harrassing them. He starts by casually irritating the girl behind the counter, then moves to the autistic man and bothers him... and as I watch I begin to realize that soon it will be my turn. Yet, I did not really expect any of the following to happen or be said....
The homeless man sees me first then notices the female I am with happens to be very attractive. He almost pounces on us, me specifically. He is, no joke, an inch from the left side of my face. The man reaks of sweat, from booze, and from god knows what else. He starts yelling a bunch of stuff and I barely understand any of it. He is telling me to marry this gorgeous girl by me... I did not understand the rest of what he was saying. Fortunately he provided gestures to help me out. He starts humping the air and pointing at my friend Kiera, saying that I need to take her home this instant to do you know what. The homeless man goes on and on babbling about this and that, only rarely could I indentify the various rude comments he was actually making. My face was apparently a look of unbelievable shock and confusion. Kiera of course thought this was hilarious. I asked him politely to let Kiera and I continue on with our conversation. He obliged me for a few seconds, leaving me alone only long enough to catch my breath and regain some composure. Shortly he came headed back for us and I again politely asked him to leave us alone. He then turned and left the building. Kiera was howling with laughter and I was glad the situation was over....
Until of course the autistic man behind Kiera then chimed in with his analysis of the situation. He asked if the man had bothered me which I replied with an emphatic yes. He told me that the man had very seriously bothered him as well, and also apparently bothered his mother. I was confused. Apparently his mother was the woman behind the counter. He was appalled that the man had confronted his mother and harrassed customers of hers. He assured me that if the homeless man were to re-enter the store that he would defend us and his mother by fighting, specifically shoving the homeless man. I was slightly entertained by the preposterous idea but told the autistic man that I doubted the homeless man would come back. It did in fact seem like the man had walked away down the road. Nonetheless as I am convincing the angered autistic fellow, the door opens and the drunk homeless man charges noisily through the door.
Autistic man would not stand for this any longer and proceeded to stand up and get in the face of the whacked out homeless dude. They began shouting, and the sad part was that I understood hardly any of what they were saying. I was literally witnessing a fight between a drunk homeless guy and a severely autistic man. Punches were not being thrown but the situation did not seem to be getting any better. I told Kiera, the macho man that I am, that she had better hurry up and finish her ice cream because I did not want to fill out this ridiculous sounding witness report. Could you imagine what I would have to write on that report? It would look like a politically incorrect SNL skit or something. Sure enough the autistic man's mother, the woman behind the counter did threaten to call the cops. No longer would I wait to see the end result of this Tekken match. Kiera and I headed for the truck and waited and watched hoping the poor woman dealing with this did not have to get physically involved. If she had I would have gone in and helped. As I watched though I saw the barely living, and hardly enthused manager drag his tired ass out of his office and step in. At this sight I was comforted that at least the woman behind the counter had company to help her deal with the situation. At that point I called it quits and drove off forever to remember Autistic Superman vs. Drunk Homeless Kryptonite.
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